Mr. Geffers and the Pine Tree

On Sunday we were in the garden cleaning up the lilac bushes when Mr. Geffers came stumbling down the path. (I will choose to believe there was a branch on the path, although his stumbling may have been influenced by other factors… ;P ) He took us out for lunch to a Greek restaurant near the garden and kindly offered to pay – even though he didn’t quite have enough money in his wallet to do that. After explaining that his wife often takes money out of his wallet, he warned me to keep an eye on Veronika. No problem I replied, I like looking at Veronika anyways.

“When are you going to cut down the pine tree?” he asked.

I told him that next week some time we would probably get to it. But that wasn’t good enough. He wanted to come and help us cut it down – he could pull the branches over, he thought, so that they didn’t fall on the fence. (Keep in mind he’s 73 and still working on walking down the path straight.) Not wanting to hurt his feelings, we agreed to meet him Monday in the garden to cut down the pine tree.

On Monday I got to the garden a little early to see what we were up against. This was a big, gnarled pine - as ugly as the Conservatives and as crooked as the Liberals.



To me, the easiest way to take this sucker down was to climb up in the tree with a handsaw and start cutting down the smaller branches to make the tree lighter. Unforunately, I didn’t get very long along this path before Mr. Geffers showed up with his plan. After showing me how to put oil in the chainsaw (again), we stood under the tree, ready for battle.

“Ok, the method is simple,” he told me. All you have to do is climb up in the tree with the chainsaw and cut down a couple of those big branches.”

I told him I didn’t think it was the best idea to climb the tree with the chainsaw – and especially not to cut down the big branches while in the tree with the chainsaw. Instead I told him my plan of using the hand saw to cut down the small branches.

“No,” he said. “You best use the chainsaw or I might as well do that myself.”

Not wanting the death of an old man on my head, I quickly told him I would use the chainsaw, but convinced him it was probably a better idea to do that from ground level.

“Ok,” he said, “the method is simple. All you have to do is cut down that big branch above you, and when you hear it crack, then get out of the way.”
I wasn’t convinced that that was the best idea either, but figured my chances of surviving were better on the ground than in the tree, so I agreed.
The chainsaw was nice and sharp and ate its way through the pine quickly. About halfway through I started getting pretty nervous. The branch I was cutting was about a foot thick, weighed about 400 lbs, and was about a half a foot above my head. Not to mention there was also a running chainsaw to think about. At 2/3 of the way through I started getting ready to run and at 3/4 of the way through I heard the crack. In a flash I had my finger off the chainsaw trigger and was running the other way. Two steps later I passed Mr. Geffers who was also running away at about the same speed he was stumbling down the path earlier. Uh oh, I thought – and looked back to see the tree stop falling just as Mr. Geffers cleared the final branches. Whoof.

The giant branch had caught itself on two of the lower branches still attached to the stump. We stepped closer to investigate. We tried to push and pull the giant branch free, but it was stuck.

“Ok,” he said. “The method is simple. All you have to do is cut down the two big branches that it’s resting on.”

I took a closer look. The lower branch wasn’t actually bearing much weight, so after making sure Mr. Geffers was well clear this time, I cut off the lower branch. No problem.

I didn’t wait for Mr. Geffers to take another look, but went to the other side of the tree with a hatchet, and cut off as many of the little branches as I could, from the giant fallen limb that was still suspended in the air. This reduced the weight considerably. I then took a handsaw quick and cut it in half – and by the time he was back from his smoke break, the limb was pretty much on the ground.

Now there was only one large limb left hanging from the tree, but that one was pretty straightforward. Besides, I figured with how much we had survived so far, today must be a lucky day. Fortunately I was right and the rest went smoothly.



It’s incredible how much mass there actually is in a tree. Somehow, when the branches are on the ground they multiply considerably. At the moment our garden looks more like a woodlot than a garden, but we’re working on that. Our plan is to sell the branches to the crazy city people at the upcoming Flohmarkt (basically a free-for-all market in the parking lot of the German equivalent of Walmart). I really must write later on the difference in thinking between city people and country people – incredible.

Alex
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I heard through the grapevine that people want me to update my blog more often… As a good friend once told me: “Ok, the method is simple, all you have to do is …” leave more comments on my blog!!! I am way more motivated to write when I know that someone is reading, so if you’ve left me a comment on my blog or on Facebook, consider this a big pat on the back. :D